Surviving Clara

It's been two weeks since starting injections.

I'm not going to lie, this month has been on a whole other level. I have pushed myself to do some things I would have never considered doing years ago. I have survived days I never though I'd have to endure, and I'm realizing that it's only going to get harder. IVF is no joke.

I don't know why I have such a hard time with needles but I do and I wish I knew how to get over it. The first day of Lupron injections, I had a full blown panic attack and sobbed through the entire preparation, injection, and had severe anxiety until I fell asleep. I was so overwhelmed and all the fears of starting IVF flooded me all at once. The shot itself didn't hurt. I can handle the pain. It's something else for me that just keeps tearing at my heart. I think it has to do with taking medicine in general, something I've avoided doing my entire adult life. In the past I have refuseeeeed to take something as common as ibuprofen through shark week (with endometriosis!). I'd rather suffer through the pain than take medicine. To be relying on medicine in order to possibly grow a child is really messing with me. I'm mad. I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm forced to "trust the process" and do what the doctors are telling me to do, which is not easy for me. I've always fought the process, done my own research and found alternative ways to heal naturally. Except, infertility isn't something I can heal from and as much as I do not want to be injecting medicine into my body, I know it's the only thing that's going to give me a chance.

A lot of my stress comes from the unknown. I don't know how I'm going to react to the meds. I don't know if after everything we've been through that it will even work. Everything that I've worked for this far, could be for nothing. I don't know anything about how all this works and I'm too scared to even google what all these things do to your body. I'm having a hard time leaving it up to science but I'm hoping that all of this crazy ends with a happy healthy rainbow baby.

The Clinical Study has been an absolute blessing because there's no way we could afford IVF without it. We started Clara with three long weeks on birth control followed with daily Lupron injections. After my first nights meltdown, the following days got easier and easier. The alarm would go off at 7:50 PM, Adam would yell "assume the position" as he threw an ice pack and alcohol wipes at me and then he'd prep the needle. I didn't have to watch or think about what he was doing, he would even hide the needle as he walked up to me knowing it would start a panic if I saw it. I don't know what I would do if he didn't handle it all. He's been the most incredible support of a husband and partner in all of this, I am so blessed to have him. Within three days, we had a rhythm down and it felt like just another part of our daily routine.

Then the Menopur started. Holy hell. Because we're doing the trial we need a placebo injection and the actual meds so it's two injections of the same medicine, daily. I don't think I'm supposed to know which one is the placebo but I can tell which injection has the active medicine because it burns like hell going in. After the first nights disaster of trying to figure out all the details and dosing, Adam had the second night down! I am so impressed with him, I can't even begin to tell you how much he eases my anxiety by figuring it out and not needing me to assist.

The study is very organized, which I love. They gave us placemats that list and show you what supplies you need for each injection and medicine dosing. We lay everything out first, and triple check to makes sure we aren't missing a thing! Each injection goes in a different spot. The Lupron goes in the upper thigh, the Vial of Menopur goes in the right side of my abdomen and the Pen of Menopur goes in the left abdomen! Once he's done the first shot, I move the ice pack to the next area while Adam preps the needle. It's such a daunting process but I swear, we're already pros.

I have heard a ton of horror stories about reactions to the meds and I was convinced I was going to feel it all but so far it hasn't been as bad as I thought. Birth Control was a journey on its own, the first night on the pill I spent the entire morning puking my brains out. I was so nauseous I couldn't move without puking. After that day I was fine! I don't know if it was such a huge hit of hormones all at once but after that first morning I was a little nauseous but haven't puked yet! I did gain weight and was overly emotional but other than that, I didn't get as crazy as I used to be on the stuff! The Lupron is giving me major hot flashes at night but I've been able to avoid what most people have endured. I feel a little on edge, and very short tempered but that could be a combination of meds and everything we're going through! Who knows.

As of right now, we're on the right track! As slow as this process is going, everything is going as it should. At my last two ultrasounds, I didn't have any cysts (which if I did, we would be kicked out of the study and our cycle would be cancelled) and I had three follicles in my left ovary and nine in my right. It's not a great follicle count but I'm hoping they grow as we go. The Menopur is now supposed to stimulate my follicles to all grow (instead of just one developing). This weekend we have another ultrasound and bloodwork check to see how I'm reacting to the stims and doing another follicle count and round of bloodwork. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, one injection at a time!

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From all the advice I've collected thus far, the following things are definitely saving me:

• Children's Ice Packs! The ones with the fabric around them so it isn't so harsh on your skin (and they're super cute). I found mine on amazon here

• The cute pink toolbox to organize all the syringes, meds, alcohol wipes & needles, also amazon!

• A huge whiteboard calendar to track your cycle, medicine schedule, appointments and then some! I found this one at Home Goods.

• And lastly, I'm obsessed with these Sparkling Coconut Water drinks from Trader Joes. You're supposed to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate on the stim meds and this is not only delicious and hydrating but also makes me feel like I'm drinking an alcoholic beverage which I'm craving more than usual these days!

I'm also following all the wives tales and advice as far as what to eat through the entire cycle. Here's a list of everything I'm trying to consume leading up to Retrieval Day & Transfer day:

• Pomegranate Juice

• Beet Juice

• Aloe Water

• Coconut Water

• Chai Tea

• Bone Broth

• Pineapple w/core

• Brazil Nuts

• Avocado

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After Sunday I think we'll have a plan for Retrieval Day! Which is the only light at the end of the tunnel. That procedure will determine it all! Hopefully by the end of February we'll be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise!) which is blowing my mind as it feels so far away but its just a few more weeks!

I can not wait. I will keep you guys posted as things go along this weekend!!

Thank you, as always, for your continued love and support!

All my love,

Skye