PUPO-Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise

It's official! It hasn't hit me yet, as I'm still peeing on sticks everyday, but we will be 6 weeks on Sunday. These last few weeks have been a complete blur so I'm going to jump back a little and do a quick timeline of this crazy progression to catch you up!

Feb 18th was our Trigger shot, retrieval was the 20th and our transfer was the 25th with a 5 day embryo.

I started taking pregnancy tests on the 21st because I wanted to test out the trigger shot (which is essentially HCG, the same hormone that shows up as a positive pregnancy test). It's typically advised to wait 14 days after the trigger shot to test because it could still be in your system and show as a false positive. Well, you all know I don't listen, so I started testing a few days after the trigger to watch that line disappear. It stayed faint positive for a few days up until March 1st when it was officially negative. I had enough control to wait one day before testing again...

We got a very faint positive on March 4th (like so faint I needed a flashlight to see the line), which was only a week after our transfer and 3 days earlier than Beta day. From that day on, every day got a little darker and a little bit darker. This progression did not happen with our last pregnancy, it stayed very faint for a week straight so I was completely shocked! Our first Beta test was March 7th and low and behold, it was official!

March 7th - Beta 1

March 9th - Beta 2

March 11th - Beta 3

March 16th - Beta 4

I'm currently taking progesterone suppositories 3x a day and baby aspirin at night to prevent blood clots which could be a huge contributing factor to miscarriages. I'm also on a 2x day multi, a folic acid/methylation support, a probiotic, omega complex, and iron! I've also had to increase my dosage of thyroid hormones as my levels doubled in the first week.

I'm still using the mindset of taking this one day at a time and making it from one milestone to the next. I think these next two weeks is going to be the hardest. Our first ultrasound isn't until the 30th which feels lightyears away. I swear this whole process is just a bunch of hurry up and wait situations. By our first ultrasound we should be 7 weeks. After that it's another two weeks until our final ultrasound at the clinic, at that point I would be graduated and sent off to a normal OB (which is equally as terrifying).

The PTSD from our previous losses is really ruining this experience for me, but I'm slowly starting to let it sink in. I've downloaded the bump app to track our progress, I've started positive affirmations to talk myself into the fact that I'm actually pregnant and I've tried really hard to get out of my own head. I didn't realize how much being pregnant would stir up all the old trauma. One thing I will share, which may be a trigger to others who have struggled with loss, is the fear of seeing blood. I find myself tense up, holding my breath every time I go to the bathroom, afraid that I'll see blood. It isn't until there isn't any that I can stand up, breath and unclench my jaw. My therapist said it's 1000% PTSD. I've been trying really hard to use the tactics that she taught me but I can't shake the feeling that any day now this will be over. That I couldn't be this lucky, for IVF to work on the first try.

If anybody has any tips on how to survive pregnancy after loss, please leave comments or message me!! I could use all the help I can get. In the meantime, I'm going to slowly warm up to the thought that there's an actual angel growing inside of me and embrace all of the sleepless nights, extreme fatigue and nausea that comes and goes 24/7.

Our rainbow babies due date is November 13th; a little Scorpio that I hope lives up to the strong willed, personality I've read about. I need this baby to come out fighting because fighting is the only way I got us here, and the only way I will go out.

With all that's left of my love, Skye