Cautiously Optimistic

The excitement of pregnancy has been lost on me. I can no longer be excited about the potential of a positive line. It's all too uncertain because even if this does work, what if it doesn't?

Adam said it best after we passed the twelfth test to determine if we got through to the next step of the Clara Study. After passing a big milestone, I drove to his work to drop off something and update him about our next steps. I was a hot mess and stressed to the max when he said "you're freaking out because everything's going as it should!?" Yes. I was going crazy because I couldn't believe we made it this far without getting kicked out. I thought for sure my body wouldn't respond to the meds or I wouldn't grow enough follicles. I expected the worst and when everything went perfectly, I couldn't believe it and just waited for the next thing to go wrong.

I blame our previous losses for this mentality. I blame the fact that because I let myself get excited, I hit rock bottom. I told myself never again would I let myself get so excited to be pregnant. I would take it day by day and not think about the next. Infertility does that to you. It doesn't let you not worry or enjoy the process (not like IVF is anything to be enjoyed). Even as we kept making it through week to week, I felt the gloom of "shit could hit the fan at any point." It's like walking through a crowd with the feeling like you're going to get jumped or somebody's going to steal your purse. You cling so hard to your belongings and make eye contact with every person walking past you or coming up behind you a little too quickly, just in case. Until you make it out of the crowd, you can't take a breathe or let your guard down for one minute. And even then, even when you're out of the crowd you're still paranoid. That's what Infertility feels like. It's extremely unsettling. You want to be excited, you want to enjoy the process but if you do, you know it wont end well.

It took me a few weeks to be able to let go a little bit. To relinquish that control that I thought I needed through this process. I wanted a plan in writing, I wanted a schedule ahead of time. Little did I know, IVF doesn't work that way. IVF is so unpredictable, it pushed me to my limits, having to sit and wait for a phone call to determine next steps. I swear each week felt like a month, a month of waiting. I am honestly sooo proud of myself for making it this far. I cannot give enough credit to the woman who do this more than once. I don't think I could! As much as we made it through alive, I wouldn't want to do it again. If we don't get a pregnancy out of this, I wont' be okay...but I'll have learned what I'm capable of surviving.

After all is said and done, we walked away with more embryos than I thought we would:

And now we wait hahah it's unrelenting!!

I keep thinking, if this doesn't work, at least we have 3 embryos waiting for us. We won't have to go through the entire process of stims and retrieval again, we'll just have to cycle and transfer. That I can handle, but here I go thinking the worst and strategizing a Plan B, just to guard my heart.

I do appreciate everybody's excitement and encouragement. It means so much to have all of your support and prayers and well wishes! It really does mean the world to us.

All my love, Skye