IVF with my new BFF, Clara
- skyezynski
- Dec 12, 2020
- 6 min read
Updated: Feb 11, 2021
We're so good at not making babies we qualify for a clinical trial! Yay! Don't get me wrong, I'm sooo grateful for getting in and our first IVF cycle to be covered 100%, I'm just so friggin terrified I'm using sarcasm as a defense mechanism. One of my many personality traits.
I honestly would have never in a million years thought we would be considering IVF, but here we are.
There's a lot that has to have gone wrong in order to qualify. Years of infertility; check. Multiple documented losses; check. Low AMH; check. After confirming that I didn't have to have chemo or radiation from my brief thyroid cancer stint, we were in.
If you want to learn more or see if you qualify, check with your Clinic or visit:
I'm a firm believer in science, I know IVF works for a lot of people. I'm just not a medicine person. I cried over having to take a prescription medicine for the rest of my life because of only having half my thyroid left. I'm on a very low dose of Synthroid (Levothyroxine) and it kills me everyday seeing the one stupid orange bottle in my cabinet amongst all my herbs and supplements. I also know I'm lucky, to only have to have one stupid orange bottle in my cabinet.
Last Friday we had our appointment with the Clara Rep to sign the 38 page consent form that warned us about all the risks and things that could go wrong within the clinical trial. I have this tendency to black out during scary appointments. I think it's a defense mechanism that my brain likes to pull so that I don't hear or retain any information when put in a high stress environment. I remember signing everything, and going through the med routine and scheduling our final tests to make sure everything was done before our trial starts in January. I remember sitting there, calm, emotionless, putting on a fake smile and cracking jokes with the rep about how easy the men have it. But the second we left, the second I got into my car and sat with my thoughts, I lost it.
I replayed going through the plan and all it entails, the countless injections, a new nurse (after just getting comfortable with my old one), walking through what every day will look like preparing for the transfer...it's soooo much to absorb in one appointment. Why is it just one appointment?? I'm so glad Adam was there to actually listen and retain information because without him, I'd probably just fall into my black hole of "what the hell did she say?" I also replayed the last three years and how it's all led us here. That everything we've gone through is real, and is quantifiable and is what got us into this study.
The study is testing the effectiveness of a drug that makes your body create more than one egg a month. Typically, a woman's body will develop a number of follicles every month, and only one develops into an egg. That egg is then released from the ovaries and (if you're TTC) hopefully fertilized by sperm, if not, periods happen. The drug we are experimenting with is supposed to help your body create multiple eggs that will then be retrieved via a surgery that sucks the eggs out of your ovaries with a tiny needle which are then fertilized in a petri dish until day 5 of development. The reason you want to make more than 1, is if there are any chromosomal or genetic issues you have multiple eggs to attempt to get to the stage needed for proper development. Sometimes eggs don't make it, you can start with 20 follicles and end up with one good egg. If you get one egg that develops to a blastocyst (early state baby), then you undergo another surgery to put that egg back into your uterus where you hope it sticks and develops into an actual baby. In order for the effectiveness of the drug to be accurately researched, I will have to be on hormone suppressing drugs that will block my body from creating its own hormones, therefore relying directly on the drugs taken to control all my levels. Bloodwork and vaginal ultrasounds are required almost daily to track and monitor hormone levels, the size and quantity of my eggs and my reaction to the medicine. So obviously a lot could go wrong, but a lot could go right!
After going over all the risks with our rep, my new nurse came in and had this massive box, full of smaller boxes that we're actually all the different medications I'll be starting. One box of birth control pills, two boxes of the trial drug (injections twice a day), one box of the trigger injections, the suppositories that are taken 3x a day and a journal to record every dose, time, reaction and symptom from every single day. How is anybody supposed to keep it together after receiving so much information in one appointment? I want a baby so bad that I am willing to risk my life, my uterus, my hormones, my eggs, my entire body to make one. Am I crazy!?? Am I going against the universe's plan that has prevented me from having a baby up until this point? What am I doing????
Those questions have been on repeat in my head every day since we got the call from my nurse about this clinical study. Although I'm absolutely terrified, when our rep said "now that we've gone over everything, I have to leave you two to talk and when I get back, you have to decide if you want to do this or not," we already knew we were doing it, regardless of the risks, regardless of the amount of time we'll miss work, regardless of the stress this will put on my mind, body and soul, regardless of everything that could go wrong, we said yes. We said yes because we want a baby so bad we're willing to risk it all.
I'm getting emotional writing this because I still can't believe we're here. I still can't believe that in January I'm going to be starting our first IVF cycle. So brace yourself because this blog is going to be an outlet for me, more than I ever thought it would be. I can't imagine what this journey would be like without social media, without blogs and without support groups and forums, because honestly, these groups are the only thing making me feel less alone. I hope this blog does that for whoever's reading, whether you've endured IVF or are about to or are here to help learn more to support somebody who is. I'm with you. I'm terrified of the what if's, the what could go wrongs, but I'm freaking out over the possibility of having a baby at the end of this. Can you friggin imagine!??
I've seen other fertility warriors posting about making a med station to organize the countless injections, pills and suppositories to take every day. I'm hoping my OCD self can put something "cute" together to make each day manageable without missing a med or taking the wrong shot at the wrong time. Setting up a calendar, color coding meds, buying cute band-aids and ice packs, anything I can get my hands on that will make this journey easier, I'm down for. If you have any tips, tricks or suggestions, please leave comments!!! If you've been in the Clara study, pleaseeeee message me! I would love to hear your experience, good or bad.
January is going to be a whirlwind and I know a lot of you are going to want to be kept up to speed. I will post as often as I can mentally handle it and with as many snapchat filters as possible to hide the bags under my eyes. I am stressed, I'm overwhelmed and I'm honestly freaking out over the thought of Adam having to inject my ass with needles 2-3 times a day. So much so that I've also scheduled to talk to a therapist from our clinic that will help us navigate this journey and everything that comes along with it. I am 1000% about mental support as much as physical support. Your brain and how you process situations is just as important as your organ function!!!
Please feel free to post in the forums, follow my journey on IG @skye_mariez, and if you're going through anything fertility/infertility related, I've just started a private support group on Facebook called TTC - Eggs Over Thirty!
Thank you so much for following along in our journey. I love you all xoxo
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