Barren Holiday's

This is the third year we've had to leave the baby reindeer off of our mantel. Left out of our Holiday decor and put back into the bin with all the stuff we're saving for next year. I thought about doing a different mantel, about leaving out our reindeer but I couldn't. I put them up anyway.

Another Holiday has passed and it is still just us. No fun family photo shoots in plaid, no bump, no baby under a Christmas tree, no getting to shop for "First Christmas" everything. It's just another reminder that this year failed too.

I guess the only thing that makes this holiday bearable is knowing we wont get plowed with the constant questions. I'm sorry if you're still enduring them but they're the well meaning questions of "when are you guys going to start popping out babies?" I dreaded family gatherings when our family didn't know we've been trying, and trying a lot (how's that for a visual?). They didn't know that every month I'd pee on at least three pregnancy tests hoping the first negative was just a bad test. That I would wake up and take my Basil Body Temperature (BBT) before moving a muscle to make sure I got the most accurate temp, to then chart it in four different apps on my phone. They didn't know. That I would then proceed to the bathroom to pee in a cup and test my hormone levels. Every single day. They didn't know that sex just wasn't fun anymore when it's timed like something to check off your to-do list for the day.

They didn't know that for people struggling with infertility, it's not that easy. It's so time consuming and it effects every decision you make all day long, month after month. After three years of trying, and struggling and sobbing on the drive home completely and mentally exhausted, now they know. I am so grateful that the questions about when turned into "how can we help," and "we're here for you," and "we know that today is hard."

Holidays in general are hard. Holidays TTC are even harder. We want so badly to gift our parents with grandchildren and our siblings with a niece or nephew. To give them somebody new to buy for and spoil (other than the dogs). Unfortunately, this year isn't the year for us. Maybe next year will be different. Maybe next year we'll be able to put that baby reindeer on our mantel.

All my love,

Skye